Kjære Höst og frùe!

Tak for Eders brevkort – Hils frk. Inger

hjærteligst fra mig – jeg vilde gjerne faa

önske hende et rigtigt godt Englands-

ophold – men jeg faar vist ikke komme

til Bergen saa tidlig, at jeg faar sige farvel –

jeg er saa nervös og ængstelig – dette ùvenska-

bet, som De nok kanske har hört om, har

heller ikke gjort mig bedre – jeg faar ikke

sove om nætterne – Engel er syk – og jeg

grùer mig for at reise fra hende ogsaa, men

værst er denne ængstelsen for at reise – jeg

foragter mig selv og min kùnst mere end

Dere tror. Det er ogsaa noget skrab det, jeg

har lavet i den senere tid. Jeg staar her ofte

og maler, klùsser paa billederne og gjör dem

værre end de er för – jeg veed ikke længer,

hvad der er kùnst – naar det gjælder mine

egne billeder; de skùlde gotte sig ordentlig

disse ùnge "vestlandsmalerne", om de erfarede

min elendighed, for de er "onde" – det

er jeg nù kommen efter – Thunold er ikke

ond, men han er mistænksom. "Proces"! ja

gid de bare vilde anlægge denne "processen"

mod mig og ikke bare gaa og snakke om den.

Astrup er en "skurk" og har ikke opfört 

sig "gentlemannsmæssigt" har de sagt; –

sligt har man til takk, naar man gang

paa gang har töiet sig saa langt ^som mùlig

for at hjælpe dem – den lille smaadjævelen

har jeg "laant" eller rettere givet penge mange

gange – (op til 50 kr. paa en gang) – og den lange

djævelen har vist heller ingen grùnd til at

klage paa mig i saa henseende, men nok

derom. Og naar saa det ùheld indtræffer at

jeg anbefaler dem paa bedste maade, og denne

anbefaling ikke blir tagen god nok – saa benytter

de leiligheden til at sende mig et uforskammet

brev om, at de "ikke finder" mig "videre gentle-

mandsmæssig" og spörger om jeg, kan ^være bekjendt af

min opförsel o.s.v. Nervös var jeg för, og dette

kom ùventet – saa jeg tænkte mig ikke om –

men lod galde og raseri styre – og skrev

med {…} en gang tilbage og skjældte dem ùd

– kanske lidt drygere end nödvendigt –

men kjære, nævn intet om dette i Bergen!

Jeg ærgrer mig lidt over brævet, – ikke fordi

at jeg angrer paa; at jeg gav dem en slig afhövling,

men fordi folk ikke kan lade være at fortælle

mig, hvad de har hört om sagen, og repeterer

uforskammetheder, som er udtalt om mig, –

og jeg vilde helst intet mere höre – helst

glemme personerne og sagen – saa jeg slap

at tænke paa det, thi jeg er for nervös til at

taale det i længden, de maa gjerne snakke

om mig, naar jeg bare slap at höre det selv. –

Koresponderer Dere med Henrik Lùnd saa

kanske I vilde være saa venlig at spörge ham,

hvorhen i Kjöbenhavn, jeg bùrde udstille, men

han er vel fornærmet paa mig, fordi jeg ikke blev

paa ùdstillingen i Berlin med de 6.

"Verdens gang", som De frù Höst var saa elsk-

værdig at sende – er endnù ikke kommen hid,

saa jeg har ikke faaet se kritikken endnù.

Jeg maa ofte tænke paa, hvor hyggelig det var

hos Eder – særlig en midnatstime da dagslys

og lampelys blandede sig over de hvide stole

og bordet. 

Hvis jeg ikke træffer Eder för I reiser

til Kristiania og Kragerö, maa jeg önske

Eder en god reise – og megen glæde af

besöget hos Mùnch – jeg tör vel ikke bede

Eder hilse ham – nei det gaar ikke an –

men han var saa venlig at sætte sit navn

paa et kort, som jeg fik fra Ravensberg ifjor

jùl.

      Lev vel!

Eders hengivne

Astrup

Dear Höst and Mrs.!

Thank You for your postcard – convey my warmest 

wishes to Miss Inger – I would very much have liked 

to wish her a wonderful stay in 

England – but it is not likely that I will come

to Bergen early enough to say farewell –

I am so nervous and anxious – this hosti-  

lity, which You have surely heard about, has

not helped me either – I cannot 

sleep at night – Engel is ill – and I

also dread leaving her, but what’s

worse is this fear of travelling – I

loathe myself and my art more than

You know. It’s all rubbish, the things I

have made lately. I often stand here 

painting, daubing at the pictures making them

worse than they were before – I no longer know,

what art is – when it comes to my

own pictures; they would really gloat

these young "West Norway painters", if they could see

my misery, for they are "evil" – that

is what I have concluded – Thunold is not

evil, but he is suspicious. "A lawsuit"! well

if only they would bring this "lawsuit"

against me and not just talk about it.

Astrup is a "scoundrel" and has not comported

himself in a "gentlemanly" manner they claim; –

that is the thanks one gets, when one has over

and over again stretched oneself to the limit

in order to help them – that little devil

I have "loaned" or rather given money many a

time – (up to 50 kroner at a time) – nor does 

the tall devil have any reason to

complain about me in that regard, but enough

of that. And when the unfortunate outcome occurs when

I recommend them in the best possible manner, that this

recommendation is not received well enough – then they

use the opportunity to send me an impertinent

letter stating, that they "do not find" me "particularly gentle-

manly" and ask whether I ^can stand by

my behaviour etc. I was nervous from before, and this

occurred unexpectedly – so I did not think twice about it –

but allowed bile and rage to take the upper hand – and immediately

wrote {…} a reply and lashed out at them

– perhaps a bit more extremely than necessary – 

but dear god, do not mention this in Bergen!

I am a little irritated about the letter, – not because

I regret that I gave them such a scolding,

but because people cannot refrain from telling

me, what they have heard about the matter, and repeat

the impudent remarks, that are made about me, – 

and I would preferably not hear again – preferably

forget about the persons and the matter – so that I would not

have to think about it, for I am too nervous to

tolerate it in the long run, they are welcome to talk

about me, if only I did not have to hear it myself. –

If You correspond with Henrik Lùnd then

perhaps You would be so kind as to ask him,

where in Copenhagen I should exhibit, but

he is perhaps offended with me, because I did not join

the exhibition in Berlin with the 6.

"Verdens Gang", which You Mrs. Höst were so kind

as to send – has not yet arrived here,

so I have not been able to see the review yet.

I often think about, how lovely it was

in Your home – especially around midnight when daylight

and lamplight mingled over the white chairs

and table. 

If I do not meet You before You depart

for Kristiania [Oslo] and Kragerö, may I wish

You a good journey – and great pleasure out of

Your visit to Mùnch – I dare not ask 

You to greet him – no it is not possible – 

but he was so kind as to sign his name

on a card, that I received from Ravensberg last

Christmas.

      Be well!

Your devoted

Astrup